Flow of Madness

This is set after Liv had the good cry at the hospital and before Rich, Doug, Maude, and Liv go to Grace’s grave. It’s a bit of a missing moment of sorts. 

Liv was in the kitchen by herself thinking about everything that happened the day before. She no longer felt like she was carrying the world on her shoulders. It was as if the toxic weight that existed in her heart after Grace died melted off as she cried in the arms of a kind stranger. There were still things that needed to be done and there were relationships that needed to be mended, but she did not feel as hollow as she once did. Though she still did not feel completely whole yet and wished she could properly say goodbye to Gracey.

Liv’s thoughts were interrupted by a loud knock at the front door. Alex had left a while ago after answering a quick fuck request from his phone. Maude was in one of the bedrooms working on her homework. Liv felt immediate confusion as she walked toward the door as to who would be stopping by. She doubt it was Mini or Franky or anyone else, because everything is so fucked right now.

Liv opened the door and Rich was there holding two containers of biscuits. Rich smiled timidly at Liv. “I thought you may need some cheering…and talk about things.”

“Yeah…okay…come in.” Liv said nonchalantly as she grabbed one of the packages from Rich and walked into the house.

Rich walked into the house and sat down at one of the kitchen chairs across from where Liv sat. He looked at her for a few seconds playing with his hands trying to find the right words. After Liv freaked out on him in the library he began to feel worried about her. He needed to talk to her though to clear up a few things and make sure that Liv is okay. Grace would hate to see Liv in any sort of pain.

“So…why in the world did you freak out on me in the library?” Rich said while opening his own package of biscuits.

“I was angry with you.”

“You were angry? Well don’t hide your feelings you need to be less subtle.” Rich gave Liv a little smile and she did the same to him.

“Oi! Asshole Hardbeck is back I see.” Liv looked at him raising her eyebrows. Then she sighed knowing that she needed to be honest. Rich responds to honesty it is one of the best things about him. “I wasn’t just mad at you. I was mad at everyone. Everyone pisses me of…everyone left me. Mini won’t fucking talk to me about anything. Grace is gone. Nick and Alo are well Nick and Alo. Matty fucking ran from me and left me with Grace. He just left me with her. Then you left too…you fucking left and I had no one. Everyone leaves.” Liv had tears streaming down her face as she talked.

Rich reached out and took her hand to get her attention and give her some contact. Rich knew that Liv would never hold back. She was honest. She was vulnerable. She needed Grace and all she had was him in this moment. He was going to try his best not to fuck it up too much.

“Hey…I can’t speak for the rest. I can speak for me though. I had to go. I just did. I never meant to make you feel any of that though. At all. I just…I was so sick and tired of people looking at me like I was broken. Looking at me like I was a fucking psychopath. I told you guys that Grace was awake…she wasn’t. I just felt. I couldn’t breathe here so I had to go. You understand, yeah?” Rich looked at Liv imploringly.

Liv squeezed his hand and started to talk, but Rich stopped her. “I just…need to get this out…or I never will.” Liv looked at Rich curiously he never willingly shared his deepest feelings it scared her yet she needed him too at the same time.

“I don’t fucking normally do this…but you kind of forced me too when you went roid rage on me. You acted as if I didn’t care about Grace. Which is ridiculous and if you ever do that again I will be forced to destroy all the biscuits in this world to spite you. I…after I left. I was angry…really fucking angry…and for a while that anger felt so good. I was angry at her, angry at me, angry at whatever fucking being or non-being that gave me someone as amazing as her then took her away from me just as fast.” Rich had tears in his eyes and he looked down trying to control himself.

“I know you love her Rich. I never meant to question that. Never. I just needed you to react…to know that I am not the only one falling apart at the seams. You came back and you fucking hid behind your books in a fucking library. I haven’t seen you at all.” Liv looked even more vulnerable in that moment.

“It goes both ways Liv. You’ve been with Alex, yeah? Whore wars isn’t really my thing. That’s your thing and that is brilliant. If you called me though and told me to be there. I would fucking be there. You know that. Don’t be an idiot.” Rich playfully hit her shoulder.

Liv had no idea how to respond. Rich pointed out something that was true. Apart of her was scared to be around Rich if she was honest with herself. It was hard to ignore Grace when he was around.

“How’d you get over the anger?” Liv said in a small voice.

“Well…I called Grace’s phone and I yelled at her for leaving such a short message. It’s all I had. Two seconds of Grace. I was upset. Soon though… I stopped being angry and I just got fucking mopey. I just stayed in my hotel room for days. Smoking on the balcony. Then… fucking… Grace is in my head. Because one day I woke up and I could hear her lecturing me about how fucking sad I looked. She told me to go to the window. Opened the blinds. Then the sky, yeah. It was this blue and green crazy beautiful sky. With the sun breaking through the leaves. It was beautiful. Grace wouldn’t want me to lock myself in a hotel and feel fucking sorry for myself. She can’t be at peace knowing everything is so fucked up. And I…don’t give a fuck about what anyone thinks. I really don’t. But…I do want to make her happy. Even now. I want to make her happy. I never want to forget her. I don’t want to lose all that she showed me no matter how lame it is. Even in….death….she gets what she wants. Smartarse.” Rich and Liv both chuckled at this.

“I miss her Liv. I do. So much. However I am not going to be a mess to please you or anyone else, because the only person I care about pleasing is Grace. She would think we are all dickheads and you know it.” Rich looked at Liv sternly.

“She…talks to me too. She told me to get my shit together.” Liv smiled sadly.

“She has a personality that is hard to shake. Doesn’t she? There’s something else…Blood told me where Grace’s grave is. I didn’t mean to keep it as a secret. When I got back from holiday it seemed like everyone was okay. So I never brought it up. You’re not okay though. You need Grace. I talked with Doug and let him know I was going to tell you. He offered to drive us he seemed to agree with me. You have to know I would have told you sooner if I knew. Honest. Swear on metal.” Rich squeezed Liv’s hand.

Liv looked at Rich in awe. She was so angry with Rich for leaving and for not being there; however, here he is presenting her with everything she needed. Liv got up from her chair and walked over to him. “I know you don’t do hugs but…” she said as she put her arms around him in a big bear hug. Rich awkwardly put his arms around her as well. The comfort of the hug and everything that Rich said forced tears and a few sobs to escape her body. Rich just held her and awkwardly patted her back.

“Ya know…Grace loved you. Really loved you, Liv. She would want you happy.” Rich said fiercely.

Liv pulled back from the hug and said “fuck tragedy.”

Rich smiled and repeated “fuck tragedy.”